¡Hola amigos!
It almost felt like I didn’t have anything to write about for this post…and I apologize in advance if my thoughts are all over the place! I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately. Life sure can be crazy these days, as I’m sure you noticed in my last blog. Sometimes, for a few hours, it feels like it’s calming down a bit…but then am I actually taking a mental break? Not always…but I’m learning how to be more still and present. It’s an on-going process.
It’s the end of a long, busy day. I’m exhausted, planning to crash early. As I breathe deeply, feeling thankful, I look at my sleeping little girl, so care-free, and I ponder. I’m reminded of how I went about a lot of my day with a striving heart. Constantly thinking about what I had to do next, not being fully present. And how I worried too much.
Why am I often bogged down with responsibilities and fears, instead of being thankful for all the gifts in my life? How can I embrace my life with more joy? With contentment…? How can I stop wasting energy on worry?
The other day, I watched a short video interviewing doctors and nurses who’d been fired around the same time I was in late 2021. Their tears soon became mine. I felt their brokenness and loss. As my tears began to flow, I asked myself: Have I been stuffing these feelings down? Why do I feel so much sadness and loss still? I guess I don’t always know how to process things in a healthy way. Is it possible I went into survival mode 19 months ago, when we were leaving Canada, and I’ve been resorting back to that? Is that why I’ve been struggling with more anxiety this past year? When I let those feelings of sadness out the other day, I felt a weight lifting from me. Have you ever experienced that when you let your feelings surface..?
The above picture is of a peaceful protest (against the vaccine mandate for healthcare workers) that we were part of in the summer of 2021 in our city, Prince George, B.C. Almost everyone who drove by honked in support. I wrote about losing my job in my second blog, Daring to Jump. I don’t think I mentioned that the previous year, in 2020, when anyone with a sniffle had to stay home (awaiting a negative Covid test), many of us took on the extra shifts to fill in. Tom’s new job had been postponed because of Covid, so he was at home with the girls during that time. Often, if someone called in sick for the evening shift, it meant I’d stay until 9:30pm and then come back again at 6:30 the next morning. Some of my coworkers, especially single moms, picked up even more overtime than me. Working so much left us exhausted, but we powered through, knowing we were all a team. I enjoyed helping the residents. A few of them would ask about my family. I’d show them pictures of my kids playing dress up or riding their bikes, and their faces would light up. I also felt a sense of camaraderie with my coworkers, so I didn’t want to leave them short-staffed. Just over a year later, with an already huge nursing shortage, they let go of thousands of healthcare workers across our province when they brought in the vaccine mandates. To this day, we haven’t been welcomed back to work in B.C. The video I watched was about the healthcare crisis this has caused across our province, and how it has directly impacted so many nurses and others. I’m including a link at the end of this post, so you can watch it (18 mins). So worth the watch!
The other morning I had a deep resolve to be more present, and not let my mind wander. In some ways I succeeded. The day began well…I even determined to go for a prayer walk. After about 10 minutes, a friendly older American guy came up to me on the beach and wanted to chat. I’m not usually one to cut people off, so we talked for awhile. And his story was very intriguing. He’s been coming to El Salvador since the 1970’s to surf, later to teach, and has even been closely involved in politics here. But I digress…I finally told him I needed to get back to my kids, so I began walking back towards home. Then my sweet neighbor was on the beach and we chatted for a few minutes about the homemade cheese and tortillas she’d made and gifted us a couple days ago. I also saw another friend and chatted briefly. Who knew I’d bump into so many people at the beach at 7 am?! I learned my lesson—now I’m going up to the pool by our place.
I returned home. After the breakfast rush and cleanup, the girls and I walked up to the pool. I took this picture from up there. I’m always awed by this view, so I wanted to share it. We swam some laps and then they splashed around in the water awhile.
The other day I remembered what my Oma used to say, “Thanks a lot…” when referring to something good that happened: “Thanks a lot that I’m feeling better now—I was sure sick!” Or “Thanks a lot that spring is finally here!” with her thick Dutch accent. She came from The Netherlands as an adult, and English was her second language. I’m so glad that she said that phrase, and didn’t change many of her unique expressions. Hearing that from her showed us a sense of gratitude that you don’t hear when someone says, “I’m so glad…”
I walked up to the pool today with my Bible and journal at 6:30am, and found a quiet way to start the day. After reading, journaling, praying, and swimming some laps, I felt a deep sense of peace. I listened to the birds and the roosters—they all seemed very excited to be alive! How I want more of that passion. I want to be more joyful about living this life!
We registered our girls for a tiny little school here where they can go once a week and make some friends. The kids there speak English and Spanish. You should’ve heard their excitement when I picked them up at 1:30, after a full day there:
“We made tortillas in cooking class—and they were so yummy! And, Mommy, guess what?! I got to cut up the tomatoes and cucumbers!”
“I played with some of the kids at recess, and it was SOOO fun playing in the old camper van!”
…yes, they allow old camper vans at schools in El Salvador!
Oh, to appreciate life like a child 😊
We’ve been ordering organic local food from a company here that delivers it weekly. They have the sweetest carrots, and the girls love their mandarins and papayas. Every day I make a healthy smoothie. It’s what you could call a ritual for Tom and me now to drink it throughout the day. I like to include bananas, mango, avocado, squeezed orange and lime juice, cinnamon, chia seeds, and greens. It might seem a bit silly, but I get excited (or is it motivated?) to make healthy food for myself and my family. I get in the zone of being mentally still and thankful while I make it.
Another favourite these days is fresh guacamole with the avocados we’ve been getting from our property. We asked the man we bought our land from if he could help us find someone to pick the super high avocados I wrote about in my last post. A few days later he showed up with a giant sack of avocados and said he’d gotten someone to pick them for us, but he wouldn’t even let us pay him! The girls and I wrapped each avocado in paper like little Christmas gifts, and put them in a box to ripen, as per instructions from the locals. A few days later, we’d given many away to friends and the remaining ones were almost all ripening at the same time, so we froze a bunch for smoothies. Funny how we’re harvesting things while normally this would be planting season for us back in Canada!
We’re growing a few things on our deck right now—several papayas, a mango, and today the girls and I planted some chiles verdes (green peppers) and sandías (watermelons). Watching things grow is so therapeutic, and reminds me of how miraculous life is. Our girls love feeling the dirt and seeing the little plants sprouting up and growing.
I decided to carry on my tradition of walking up to the pool while the girls are still sleeping each morning, because I loved it so much. It’s a rare time of day when I can really be still. And I never regret sitting, reading, journaling, watching the waves, being quiet while listening to all the birds. Today even the beautiful and rare national bird, the torogoz came by, and I also got to see what I thought was a toucan—but I looked it up and it was actually an amazing aracari—about 50 feet from where I was sitting. I tried to get a picture, but mine wasn’t clear. Here’s one I borrowed of what it looked like.
As we each walk this journey of life on earth, we’ll experience joy, and also face our fair share of trials. Although incredibly hard and even downright awful at times, I believe God is refining and shaping us with whatever we’re going through. I need to believe this more, instead of giving into worry.
What do you do to be still, friends? Please let me know in the comments below!
This song has been on repeat in my head some days…
Be still, my soul, thy God doth undertake to guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake.
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
—Jean Sibelius
Here is the link to the video I mentioned above re: the healthcare crisis in B.C. It’s incredibly well-done and worth the watch, if you have 18 minutes!
Thanks for taking time out of your day to read this blog!
If you would like to support my work, you can donate with Bitcoin here✴️
Or you can click here for my Ko-fi link.
Thank you to those of you who have already shown your support—it means a lot!!
Spent the 18 minutes. Good video, so much there. Filipino nurse expressed it well - he never would have imagined Canada becoming a tyranny. Yet here we are, proves tyranny can happen anywhere. On the positive side good people are standing up & speaking out.
Many of us knew what was happening was not right. Unfortunately, the overwhelming majority took the, at the time, "easy" way out. Turns out, as is often the case, what appears easy, isn't.
I know exactly how it feels to go through an unexpected sudden change of direction. I have been there many times. I kept getting back up and making the very best I could of whatever was in front of me. I learned a lot during those transitions and I lived, really lived rather than coasting along unscathed and safe.
You will be fine. Just keep getting back up.